Words We Never Spoke
by Cyokie Revott
Summary: There were a lot of things Elliot and Leo said to each other, and a lot of things they didn't say. But Leo was there to tie up loose ends, to say exactly what he should have said to Elliot before it was too late. Before Elliot disappeared from his life for good. Elliot x Leo, takes place after Elliot's death. (When after Elliot's death is your choice.)
Elliot.

Elliot, can you hear me?

You probably can't. But I want you to hear me, so maybe, just maybe, my voice will carry.

It's been awful without you. I don't think you understand the effect you had on me. Before you came, I had my hair _completely_ over my face. As you know, I didn't want to see. But when I met you…then I _did_ want to see. I wanted to see _you,_ Elliot. I loved seeing you.

And in loving seeing you, you opened me up to the world. I pushed my hair partially out of my face and wore those glasses you gave me. I tried out seeing, at least sort of seeing.

You couldn't change me completely, though. I never changed wholly until you died, Elliot, and that I truly regret. Now I see everything through these eyes without trying to avert them. But no one could have changed me that much. Not even you. So don't think too much about it.

You were the only person that truly understood me. And yet, you didn't understand me at all. There were so many things I hid from you, Elliot, and if you've been watching and listening, you probably know all of them by now. I think I can say the same about you. I truly understood you, Elliot, I truly did. But at the same time, I am sure there were things I didn't know about you, things you deliberately kept from me.

That's okay, though. It's over and done now, I suppose. You died a hero, Elliot—sacrificed yourself for our good. I do admit I was surprised. You _hated_ self-sacrifice. You said it was a way of dying that someone who wanted to fulfill their own ego picked. I guess in your last moments, you must have realized the truth about self-sacrifice. You must have realized that self-sacrifice _can_ be an act of heroism. Or you just wanted to satisfy your own ego.

I know how much you admired Edwin's reaction to Edgar's death from _Holy Knight._ I know you loved how he accepted his death and moved on, pursuing his life without him as he was supposed to. I know you adored that approach. And lastly, I know you wanted _me_ to take on that approach once you died.

But Elliot, don't you see? That approach is insane. I tried, Elliot, I did. I wanted to make you happy, do what you wanted me to do. I tried to move on like Edwin did, accepting your death and moving on with my own life. And I _did_ move on, Elliot, and I accepted that you died…but not completely.

I never completely got over you.

I never completely accepted your death.

And that's because I _couldn't._ I couldn't possibly do that, because I loved you, Elliot. You were my master, my closest friend, and…something more, as well. Something I have yet to find words for.

Wait. No, that's not right. I didn't _just_ love you, Elliot. I was _in_ love with you. Yeah, that's it.

I know the feelings were mutual. We never actually said the words to each other—never actually said _I love you_ —but we both knew. We loved each other, and we could see without exchanging those words.

When you died, I felt like my whole world was crumbling. I felt my life being torn apart, little by little, and at the same time…all at once. It hurt, Elliot. It hurt more than I can say. I never wanted to see you die—and even if I did, I wanted it to be your time. And maybe this _was_ your time, but as for me, I'll always believe it was too early.

Elliot. I loved you.

No, I _love_ you.

I still love you, whether you're dead or not.

There were a lot of things we left unspoken about _this_ topic, too—not just the other, trivial things we kept from each other. We never said _I love you,_ but I don't think we needed to. We still should have said other things, though. Said how much we meant to each other. We implied it, but we never _said_ it.

Elliot, if you're listening, you're probably wishing you could punch me, because you think you don't need to say anything. I'm sorry. If you'd like, I can take that back, but that's what I believe. And if it makes you happy, I'll just say _I_ had things I needed to tell you that I didn't.

I'm saying those things right now.

I didn't want you to die, Elliot, and I know _you_ didn't want to die, either.

Is that why your last words were, " _Sorry, Leo_ "?

What were you apologizing for? Are you crazy, Elliot? You can't apologize for dying. You can't _do_ that. The one who should be apologizing is me. I couldn't save you. Why would you apologize for _dying?_

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm sorry, Elliot. I'm so, so sorry. I still don't understand why I didn't do anything. I was traumatized, I suppose. I was scared. I was shocked. But those are the excuses _everyone_ uses, aren't they? Ha…I guess I can't do anything about that now.

Elliot, if you could come back, what would you say to me?

What didn't you tell me?

What would you _want_ to tell me, more importantly?

I'd tell you so many things, Elliot. And one of them is the thing I already mentioned—I love you. You opened my eyes, so to speak. You changed my life. I fear I may never have come out of the dark without you.

I suppose I'm not truly out of the dark. I'm still partially in the darkness. But that's okay. The darkness I was trapped in before you, Elliot, was practically unbearable. You got me out of the unbearable darkness, and that's all I could ask.

We were both more insecure than we could admit, for the sake of our pride. We both thought there was something dreadfully wrong with ourselves. But in the truth, there was nothing _really_ wrong with us, was there? We were who we were. Besides ourselves, the only things we had were each other.

You had a short temper and a ridiculous amount of attitude, you could be overbearing and cliché, but you were pure. You were pure and a good person and I knew that more than anyone. Being pure doesn't mean being completely innocent, because no one is. I remember those dreams you had, the terrible ones of bloodbaths and you standing in the middle of it all. But you were still pure and beautiful, Elliot. You were irreplaceable.

I know that I will never, ever find someone like you. But that's okay.

Yeah, maybe I don't mean that. Maybe I still haven't accepted that. There are a lot of things I still haven't accepted, Elliot. I'm not as strong as you'd want me to be. You'd probably be beating me within an inch of my life right now for sinking to this level…

But Elliot, there is one way I have bested you.

I realized that this is okay. Not everyone is as strong and beautiful as you. I'm one of those people. I'm not strong or beautiful. There are so many things I can't handle.

I'm very, very glad Oz-kun came into your life— _our_ life. In the end, I think he made you realize that there were different ways to look at everything, that your opinions weren't what made up the world or a smart person. It's looking at things through multiple points of view that you should do if you wish to be wise.

I thought you'd realize this because of all the books you read, but I guess the books you read never had that message. Or maybe you just needed someone in real life to point it out to you.

Thank you, Oz-kun.

Elliot. I never told you I loved you. I should have, but I didn't. I was nervous of how you'd respond, even though I'm sure now the feelings were mutual. I thought you'd beat me up or yell at me—and don't deny your little temper problem, Elliot. And I thought that maybe I was alone in this, that you never felt the same way about me. But now that you're gone—and this is the irony, right? Only now that you're gone—I can say it, I think.

All right, here we go.

Are you listening, Elliot?

I love you.


End file.
